The Reason I Have a Secret Stash of Tequila, Chocolate, and Haircolor

Summer has finally begun. The mess in my house and the lack of food in my kitchen prove it.

I only have a few more years of marking the start of summer by the last day of school. The sentimental mommy in me gets sad when I think about that, but the stressed out, tired of checking home work and making lunches mom in me is doing a little happy dance in anticipation.

The year went smoothly for Ciara and she did well in all of her classes. Trey on the other hand? To him school is just a necessary evil until he makes it big as the worlds best skateboarding guitar player. You gotta love those lofty goals of thirteen year old boys!

Oh how I love my sweet, laid-back, easy going son. From day one he has made us laugh with his silly antics. While this go-with-the- flow attitude worked to my advantage when he was a baby, it doesn't work well in a no-nonsense atmosphere like school and when it calls into question my parenting skills, all bets are off. I suppose this school year was destined to be the year that my parenting skills would be put to the test.


For some reason our school district decided that seventh grade was the perfect time for it's students to learn about the "birds and the bee's". Now I get the whole " kids are so much more mature now and getting into things at an earlier age" thing. I'm down with that. See just the fact that I can use such an edgy phrase proves that I'm in the know! But I have to say:

Sex talk + prepubescent boys = someones going to get in trouble.

That someone would be my son. Here is how the phone conversation went:

Me: Hello?
Trey: Ummm Mom?
Me: Yes Trey?????
Trey: Ummm I got in trouble in Science class today. Here's my teacher.
Ms. I can't believe I have to teach sex ed to these kids: Mrs. Treys mom, your son said something very inappropriate in our reproductive class today. I could have him removed for his remarks, but I'm giving him a second chance.

So when I hung up the phone I did what any other mom would do.

I blamed my husband.

I started wondering what he could have possibly said, and where could he possibly have heard it? It had to be from my husband. I remembered the time when he let him watch that Austin Powers movie even though I told him I didn't think it was a good idea, and he takes him to the shooting range, who knows what they talk about out there with all that testosterone in the air!

Now my son is quite smart, and he figured that there is no way his mom would freak out in front of his friends, so he brought his whole posse home with him after school that day. His friends aren't always the sharpest tools in the shed, but when they saw me sitting at the dining room table lying in wait for my victim, they knew it wasn't going to be pretty and they decided it was in their best interest to get out of here.

Here is how our confrontation went:

Me: I can't believe you did that!!! You are grounded forever!! You are going to take up quilting and bird watching and you will never watch another Austin Powers movie or go to that shooting range again!! Now tell me what you said!!!

Trey: I told a girl that her pee would turn green if she got pregnant.

Me: HUH?????

I think it's appropriate for us all to stop for a moment and thank the heaven's above that the boy has no aspirations to be an Obstetrician.

Okay, apparently the paper I signed that said there was zero tolerance in the class meant that there was ZERO TOLERANCE in the class! So when my husband came home and we talked about it and voiced our relief to one another that it was something so silly, we decided he would have to be grounded anyway for breaking the rules in class. But instead of being grounded for the rest of his life it was only for a weekend, and he ended up getting off early for good behavior.

Oh and I cancelled his quilting class.